What it’s like dating someone with borderline personality disorder

I’ve grown to resent the word “crazy” because of what I went through with a partner who suffered from borderline personality disorder. The disorder is fairly misunderstood by the public, and the label “crazy” is unfairly slapped on people (women especially) and with little empathy. This is our story, and why we should let go of this stigma, not just because of what it does to victims, but because of how it warps our own thinking.

The innocent beginnings

We met at a party under fairly innocuous circumstances. I immediately recognized Jen was pretty, with a soft oval face, brown hair and pretty eyes, but I wasn’t on the hunt to meet someone that night. By chance, we paired up during a game of beer pong and were surely an odd pairing, her being 4’10 and me standing nearly a foot and a half taller.

We both laughed a ton through the night and were in sync with our energy and conversation. On a whim, I asked for her phone number and we met for coffee two days later. From there, it was on: we couldn’t get enough of each other. It’s a shame because, as I look back now, it started out so beautifully — as any relationship should.

The first issues sprang up three months later — which on their own, shouldn’t have come between us. First, Jen complained about family issues, “My mother is manipulative and trying to get me to testify and lie about my step-father in court.” The situation was toxic and I wasn’t prepared or experienced enough to give her good advice. The more I learned about her family, the worse I felt for her.

A month later, she and her best friend, Katie, had a huge falling out over a judgmental comment Jen admittedly made. The fallout was surprising because Jen evangelized Katie as the best thing in her life and talked about her ad-nauseum. They threw their friendship away over something so trivial and I still don’t understand it.

Our first real fight came when we went out to a party and met up with friends. I bumped into a woman I swam with in college and we spoke for a while, laughing about old times. We’d been good friends but never anything more. She was like a sister to me.

When we got in the car to leave, Jen was immediately irritated and not talking. Finally, I got her to speak up and she said, “You really seemed to enjoy talking to that woman.” And I thought, “Here we go.” It was the big jealousy reveal. If only it had been just that.

The argument escalated in the car and she seemed completely on the edge, raising her voice and shouting and bringing all these other grievances. She seemed almost paranoid that I wasn’t in love with or committed to her. I wasn’t prepared for this sudden shift.

The next night we went to dinner and she apologized, and then dropped a bombshell on me, “I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder five years ago.” Then she said she hadn’t been taking any medications for years. I convinced her to see a doctor. To her surprise, she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (a second doctor later confirmed this diagnosis).

Our relationship wasn’t all bad. When things were good with Jen, things were great, as good as any relationship could be. She could be angelic and make you feel like the most loved person in the world. It felt like we were holding hands, smiling and running through a field of flowers on our good days.

But we had terrible, terrible fights, worse than any I’ve ever had. I’m not perfect by any means, but I’m not an aggressive or argumentative guy, and I don’t like fighting. I’d get so confused by her sudden hostility. It went from zero to 100 and never felt justified.

On her bad days, she displayed an BPD symptom, emotional switching, which per Dr. Marlies Houben, is a switching between extreme positive and negative emotional states. On her worst days, it would mutate into approach-avoidance behaviors, which is a rapid flipping between what you want. For example, she once screamed profanity at me, and then shouted, “Get out!” Then, as I stood up to get my things, she pivoted and said, “N-n-no don’t leave please. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

She started doing therapy, and I went in a few times with her and things got better for a bit. Her explosive reactiveness was often because of avoidance strategies. She looked for ways around any negative emotion. Treatment involved getting her to feel and experience emotions, rather than let them bottle up and explode.

The doctor also pressured her to avoid black and white thinking about people, where every person is the best in the world, or a backstabbing soulless traitor. I saw this pattern several times with friends like Katie and is common with those suffering from BPD.

On bad days, Jen conjured up conspiracy theories about people not liking her. She said friends were talking bad about her behind her back, or making plans and deliberately cutting her out of them. I felt like I was always working to bring her back down to earth. I was always trying to take us to that happy utopia where the sun was shining and everything was peachy. I loved that place.

There was this constant insecurity always lurking. Sometimes, we’d be sitting in a living room on a peaceful afternoon and she’d start asking, “Why are you acting so weird?”

“I’m not?”

“Yes you are. You’re being weird.”

“No, I’m reading a book?”

And then, five minutes later, she started asking again. She’d poke me for an hour and sometimes, I’d lose my patience and get angry with her. The sad irony is that her fear of abandonment was the very thing that pushed me away. If a person asks you if you love them like a broken record, you’ll eventually be forced to ask yourself the same question.

Why people need more empathy for the condition

I wouldn’t wish BPD on anyone. Treatment is extremely challenging and requires a team of professionals. Per one study by the NIH, around 1.6% of people suffer from it at any given time. Though the cause isn’t certain, it’s believed that genetic factors, abuse and early childhood trauma can cause it.

Jen was put in foster care when she was 12. She never divulged the full details of what happened to her, which tells me it was bad — because she was so candid about everything else. Sadly, Jen actually reminded me a bit of Jenny from Forrest Gump. She was drawn to chaos and more trauma, and always in search of something that could never be found.

At the heart of BPD, is a deep seeded fear of abandonment and rejection. You can trace so many of the other problems back to it. It leads to a reactiveness with friendships (and me, unfortunately), that creates massive ups and downs with people. Jen was fully aware of this too, and thinks it is because she felt unwanted in her childhood. Her anger and volatility was a defensive mechanism to protect herself. I went through absolute hell in that relationship but it doesn’t mean Jen is a bad person.

Destigmatizing BPD

Borderline personality disorder became the flag illness of the “the crazy girlfriend”, especially after the Amber Heard and Johnny Depp trial, where Depp’s therapist speculated Amber had BPD. It fed into the crazy girlfriend stereotype which is quite unfair because disease also affects men but manifests differently. It also insinuates that every case is as severe as Jen’s and, potentially, Amber’s was, which isn’t true. The stigma is partially because you only hear about outlier cases — like the one I just shared.

Many people with BPD live good fruitful lives. However, they have to put tremendous work into themselves and getting better. Sadly, Jen’s life hasn’t gone well since we broke up 20 years ago. She fell into substance abuse and struggled to maintain a job. Near the end of our relationship, her drinking became a huge problem.

It magnified her symptoms (the volatility) and she was refusing to do therapy or take her medications, which was the final straw to me leaving. I had to face the hard truth that things weren’t going to change.

If you think you might suffer from borderline personality disorder, see a doctor and ask about dialectical or cognitive behavioral therapy which are proven staples of treatment. Stay away from alcohol, especially if you are on medications.

If you are dating someone with BPD, communicate with them and figure out what their touchy subjects are. Above all, bring a ton of patience. Things can and do get better. Remember that their anger is often fear based and not out of malice.

Please have empathy for those with BPD. It doesn’t make their lives any easier. Nobody chooses to have this condition.