I Had No Idea My Childhood Was Abusive. Until I Stopped Normalizing These Things.

1. I Thought My Traumatic Childhood Was ‘Normal’

Part of the “As Told To” series. 

Meet Amanda, 36. She shares how she faced and stopped normalizing how toxic and damaging her childhood was.

“I was well into my thirties before I realized my childhood wasn’t just difficult—it was toxic, dysfunctional, and abusive. I thought all kids were subjected to the silent treatment as punishment, that it was ‘normal’ to be made to sit at the dinner table in silence, that all mothers slapped their daughters for crying or rolling their eyes, and that parents got a kick out of putting their kids down.

It wasn’t until therapy that I stopped normalizing toxic behavior and realized it’s not ‘normal’ for children to fear their parents and have to walk on eggshells in their own home. The damage inflicted has left me battling anxiety, depression, guilt, and feelings of worthlessness. But healing starts with awareness. I have complex childhood trauma, but at 36, I’m finally learning how to heal.”—Amanda Reynolds, Michigan.

Continue reading to explore what an abusive childhood looks like and how to find healing >>

2. ‘Tough Love’ Meant No One Ever Apologized

In some households, apologies were nonexistent. If a parent hurt their child’s feelings, the child was expected to get over it. If they made a mistake, it was ignored. The unspoken rule was that parents were always right, and any pushback was seen as disrespect. According to Lerner Child Development, apologizing to children when parents have reacted harshly is important for modeling responsibility and strengthening attachment.

But accountability is a core part of any loving relationship. Parents are meant to model emotional intelligence, which includes apologizing when they are wrong. Children deserve acknowledgment when they’ve been hurt. A home where no one takes responsibility for their actions isn’t an environment of “tough love”—it’s one of emotional neglect.

3. Being Parentified Was Framed As ‘Helping Out’

Many children are expected to take on responsibilities far beyond what is appropriate for their age. Whether it’s being the emotional support for parents, raising younger siblings, or managing household duties, these kids act more like second parents than children. According to Healthline, parentification occurs when children are forced to assume parental roles and responsibilities, leading to emotional exhaustion and a loss of childhood.

But this isn’t just “helping out”—it’s called parentification. A child should never feel responsible for running a home or managing the emotions of the adults around them. If childhood required acting as a caregiver instead of receiving care, it wasn’t about responsibility—it was about neglect.

4. Fear And Discipline Were Considered The Same Thing

In many households, “discipline” isn’t about teaching lessons—it’s about control. Punishments are harsh, unpredictable, and often disproportionate to the “mistake.” Many children grow up believing that being afraid of their parents is just part of learning how to be a good person. According to Integrative Counseling Solutions, fear-based parenting can lead to poor coping skills, anxiety, and difficulty forming healthy relationships in adulthood.

But true discipline is about guidance, not fear. A child should never feel terrified of making a mistake. Fear-based parenting doesn’t create responsible adults—it creates anxious, people-pleasing, emotionally stunted ones.

5. Anxiety Was Treated As A Personality Trait, Not A Trauma Response

Many people grow up believing they are just naturally anxious. They overanalyze interactions, brace for worst-case scenarios, and feel constantly on edge. But in many cases, this isn’t just personality—it’s a result of growing up in an unstable or unpredictable environment.

Children who don’t feel emotionally safe develop hypervigilance as a survival instinct. This state of constant high alert follows them into adulthood, making it difficult to relax, trust, or feel secure in relationships. If anxiety has been a lifelong battle, it may not be a personal flaw—it may be an unresolved response to childhood stress.

6. Emotional Neglect Was Justified Because ‘At Least There Was A Roof Over Your Head’

Many children are told they have no reason to be unhappy because they have food, clothes, and shelter. Any emotional distress is met with dismissal or irritation. Love is treated as something that has to be earned through obedience or achievement.

But having basic needs met isn’t the same as being emotionally nurtured. Children deserve love, validation, and security beyond just their physical survival. If childhood involved constantly being reminded to “be grateful” while emotions were ignored, it wasn’t a healthy home—it was an emotionally neglectful one.

7. Parents’ Feelings Always Took Priority

In some families, the emotions of parents dictate everything. If they are angry, the child must fix it. If they are sad, the child must comfort them. Meanwhile, the child’s emotions are either dismissed or met with frustration.

Healthy parenting provides emotional stability for children, not the other way around. Children shouldn’t have to regulate the moods of adults or serve as their emotional caretakers. If childhood required constantly managing the emotions of others, it wasn’t “maturity”—it was emotional parentification.

8. Silence Was Used To ‘Solve’ Problems and Inflict Punishment

Some families avoid addressing problems altogether. If something painful happens, it’s ignored. If there’s tension, it’s brushed under the rug. Many children assume this means their family is strong.

But true strength is facing issues, not avoiding them. Pretending problems don’t exist doesn’t make them go away—it just buries them. Emotional avoidance isn’t a solution—it’s denial.

9. Financial Support Was Treated As The Same Thing As Love

In many dysfunctional households, love is treated as transactional. Anytime a child expresses distress, they are reminded that their parents “worked hard” to provide for them. Emotional support is dismissed in favor of financial contributions.

But love isn’t just about paying the bills—it’s about making a child feel seen, heard, and valued. If financial support was used as proof of love while emotional needs were ignored, that wasn’t love—it was control.

10. Constant Criticism Was Framed As ‘Wanting The Best’

Some parents never offer praise—only correction. Achievements are met with, “That’s nice, but…” and mistakes are met with harsh judgment. Over time, this teaches children that no matter how hard they try, they will never be good enough.

Constructive criticism helps people grow, but relentless negativity does the opposite. If childhood was filled with criticism disguised as “help,” it wasn’t about support—it was about control.

11. Family Guilt-Tripping Was Justified As ‘Keeping Traditions Alive’

Many people grow up feeling emotionally obligated to their families. Visiting, calling, and following traditions aren’t choices—they’re demands. Setting boundaries is seen as selfish, and any independence is framed as a betrayal.

But true love allows for freedom. Family connections shouldn’t require guilt or fear of punishment. If love was only given on the condition of obedience, it wasn’t love—it was control.

13. Recognizing a Toxic Childhood is the First Step to Healing

Many people spend years believing they were the problem. They were “too sensitive,” “too difficult,” or “too much.” But the truth is, children don’t create dysfunction—adults do.

Recognizing a toxic childhood isn’t about blaming parents—it’s about breaking the cycle. Understanding that what happened wasn’t normal is the first step toward healing, setting boundaries, and finally experiencing love that isn’t based on fear, guilt, or survival.