Dealing with listening to your neighbors fighting constantly

I met Mark and Cheryl in the hallway on the third night of living in my new apartment. They were nice and just returning from the gym. I waved to them as they got to their door and walked over to introduce myself.

They were both in their early 20s, attractive, and friendly enough. I thought nothing more of it and hoped we could hang out at some point and be friends.

The problems came early though. They were still in their party phase as a young couple, with music and loud conversations that filtered through my walls every Friday and Saturday night without fail, but also during weekdays. This noise didn’t stop at 10 or 11 PM. It often extended well past midnight. I wondered how they had so much energy.

One night, I heard loud and collective female laughter cut through the wall, and someone shouting, “Oh my god! Me too!”

I’ve struggled with disruptive noise long before this, and have written about my issues with misophonia (a condition where you get triggered by small sounds). Fortunately, and oddly, misophonia often doesn’t trigger with broader, more ambient noises that are more all encompassing. It’s more the squeaking chair in the office, slurping, or the tapping of the pencil on one’s desk that makes you crazy.

After a month of this madness, I finally felt the need to go over and say something to the neighbors. Candidly, I dreaded it, because I don’t love confrontation. But if I waited too long, I knew there was a risk I’d blow up on them — which I’d done in the past by letting my frustrations bottle up.

I knocked on their door, and heard a small dog barking. Then, I heard someone fumbling with the door lock and heard it slide.

The door opened, and Cheryl stood there, looking half-asleep (it was noon at this point). Her expression shifted to a friendly smile, “Hey there. What’s up!”

I said, “Howdy. I hope all is well…so, I’ve been hearing quite a bit of noise coming from this unit lately. I wanted to come by and talk to you guys rather than just start making complaints to the building.”

She seemed surprised, “Oh, really? I had no idea. I’m so sorry. Here, come in.”

I stepped just inside the door, and noticed the apartment wasn’t nearly as trashed as I’d expected. But I did notice they were collecting empty liquor bottles and displaying them on shelves near the kitchen, like this was a frat house.

Mark came shuffling out of one of the back bedrooms like the walking dead, who needed brains due to the absence of his own.

“Sup,” he mumbled.

We talked for a few and she seemed genuinely surprised that they’d been loud. This part struck me as fishy, because it sounded like the whole state of Virginia was in their apartment at one point. But look — I was hopeful that we could get past it and live in peace. I’d never been in high density housing before and had taken a risk getting the apartment.

I left, feeling hopeful — but those hopes were soon dashed: It got worse.

What started as just loud partying, then turned into continuing, tumultuous fighting between Cheryl and Mark. Something had taken a turn and they seemingly couldn’t agree on whether the sky was blue or not. I heard painful details through the wall, with her shouting at him for drinking, and cringe responses. The pinnacle of these moments came with him shouting, in full “bro” voice, the corniest line I’ve ever heard, “Babe. I’ve only had like two drinks!”

I’d had enough. I was frustrated with the apartment owners for not building more sound proofing in the building (they’d sold this feature during our walkthrough). I hated that these kids were living next door and didn’t have a care in the world for the tumult they were causing.

I began filing complaints with the building administrators, and eventually had to call the cops on two occasions because of laughing and, again, fighting later in the night. It always followed the same pattern. They started drinking earlier in the day and, then, when their moods soured from the prolonged partying, they began fighting. This couple was a glowing neon advertisement for sobriety.

And sadly, it had real consequences for myself and several neighbors.

One study led by Dr. Dirk Schreckenberg examined the connection between annoyance with loud neighbors and health outcomes while living in high density housing. Researchers found a direct link from this noise to stress and mental health problems.

Another study found that these disturbances can lead to significantly higher levels of inflammation in the body, and cause more physical pain. This is due in part to elevated cortisol levels and diminished sleep, which disrupts the repair cycle of the body.

My point being: it’s not a petty issue to be upset about neighbors keeping you up.

Some tips to contend with

First, I’d recommend taking the approach I initially used with my young neighbors. No, my approach didn’t ultimately resolve the issue — but it tends to be the better path at first.

I actually learned the strategy through a police officer I had to call out to my property years earlier. There was a loud barking dog that began yapping at 5 AM every morning. Even worse, it was a beagle, which is a hunting dog whose bark is designed to carry through wide stretches of land. It cut through my walls like a knife through warm butter.

The officer, a middle aged woman with a southern accent said, “Why don’t you write them a letter? It’d help smooth things out and preserve relations.” We’d already tried knocking on the door and nobody was home.

I wrote the letter and it went over super well. The neighbors knocked on my door a week later and apologized. They even said they appreciated the tone of my letter. I’d made it a point to acknowledge that maintaining a job with an early schedule, while also taking care of a dog can be hard to do. I even offered to help them if they needed it. In the end, the problem stopped.

The point being — do all you can to avoid creating a turf war. Address the elephant in the room directly with them, and do so in a kind and empathetic way, that also conveys the difficulty they might be having. Then, stay solutions oriented.

And if that doesn’t work, begin escalating the steps you take. The problem is that if you go instantly to the nuclear option with a new neighbor, there isn’t going to be much room to negotiate with them in the future if there are any issues you need help on — because you never know what might come up.

Lastly, I’d urge you to be on the lookout for actual domestic violence. Do not hesitate to call police if you feel like something is awry and someone might be in danger. The most common source of violence and emotional damage comes from romantic partners. Please be vigilant.

The thing to remember

Unless you live in a remote, rural area, you will likely deal with noise issues with a neighbor at some point in your life. I’d recommend taking a few steps to resolve the issue in a healthy way before throwing the book at them.

A few quick tips: I use a white noise machine at night, which plays a soft grey noise that has some base to it, that helps cancel out deeper sounds. I also sleep with soft ear plugs which evens things out.

Lastly, respect that people are allowed to live too. If they are operating within legally permitted time frames for noise, don’t make it your mission to put a stop to it completely. Some people want to have fun, and that fun can sometimes create noise.

As our population grows, and as more people flock to cities amidst rapid urbanization, we can only expect more issues like the ones I’ve felt. Let’s all remember the power of kindness and empathy as we wrestle with these issues. Prolonged fights with your neighbor aren’t fun — or ideal.