The ‘Conditioning Behavior’ Psychologists Are Warning Parents and Grandparents About

The ‘Conditioning Behavior’ Psychologists Are Warning Parents and Grandparents About originally appeared on Parade.

Let’s be real: Raising kids is no easy feat, for many reasons. Parents, grandparents and caregivers may have to navigate all that entails while also working a full-time job (or two). Parenting advice is all over the place and can contradict itself. Kids’ brains aren’t fully developed yet, so they may behave in ways that you don’t understand or that try your patience.

All that said, there’s a common way many parents and grandparents respond—whether they mean to or not—and it’s called “intermittent reinforcement.” While it’s super tempting, this strategy may cause long-term problems for your child and your relationship. Read on for psychologists’ concerns and advice.

What Is ‘Intermittent Reinforcement’?

Essentially, intermittent reinforcement is when positive behavior is only “rewarded” sometimes. This means the person who engaged in the behavior doesn’t know if they’ll be rewarded that time or not. The thinking behind using this is that the child will want the reward, but if they don’t get it one time, they’ll continue the “positive” behavior in hopes of getting it next time.

So, intermittent reinforcement can be a tactic to elicit desired behavior. For example, a parent might give their child $5 when they get As and Bs on their report card, but only for some of those good report cards.

Intermittent reinforcement can also be a more unintentional response to a child’s feelings and words. Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, a trauma-informed therapist, researcher, author and podcast host of The Sensitivity Doctor, explains. “Intermittent reinforcement with kids shows up when a parent or caregiver responds inconsistently—sometimes warm and attentive, other times withdrawn or reactive,” she says. “A child might cry and get comfort one day, and be ignored or punished the next.”

She uses the analogy of a slot machine, where a person keeps putting money in—even though the outcome is uncertain, and even knowing they may lose the money—because the hope is so strong, it overrides logic.

Why Parents and Grandparents Might Use Intermittent Reinforcement

As mentioned, intermittent reinforcement isn’t necessarily helpful, but it is understandable, and not always fully conscious.

“Many adults don’t realize they’re reinforcing behavior inconsistently; they think occasional rewards won’t matter,” says Dr. Harry Cohen, PhD, a psychologist and the author of Be the Sun, Not the Salt.

Ahead, he and Dr. Kelley share why caregivers might use it.

They’re exhausted or need relief

Super relatable first example here: “Caregivers may give in occasionally to stop a tantrum or get some peace, especially when they’re tired or overwhelmed,” Dr. Cohen says.

For example, they may finally say “yes” to a child asking for a toy at Target because they want the child to stop screaming.

Dr. Kelley adds that they may feel overwhelmed, exhausted or emotionally unavailable; they may also have trauma or a lack of emotion regulation tools. That can contribute to a lesser response to a child or “giving in” too. No shame here.

They feel guilty or want to please the child

Dr. Cohen says this urge is particularly common in grandparents, who “might feel compelled to ‘spoil’ grandkids occasionally, especially if they don’t see them that often.”

They’re trying to teach resilience

In this case, the use of intermittent reinforcement is more intentional.

“Grandparents might think they’re teaching resilience by withholding comfort,” Dr. Kelley says. “But what’s actually being taught is that love is earned, not given, and that creates confusion around what a healthy connection even looks like.”

Psychologists’ Concerns With Intermittent Reinforcement

It strengthens unwanted behaviors

Remember the example of buying a child a toy at Target to quiet them? While effective in the short term, this kind of intermittent reinforcement can encourage the “wrong” behavior long-term.

“Behaviors reinforced intermittently can become even more persistent and resistant to change,” Dr. Cohen says. “Kids may act out more often, hoping that ‘this time,’ the reward will come.”

It associates love with unpredictability

When kids become teens and young adults, they may be more likely to find themselves in relationships that have equal or worse consequences.

“Over time, this can form a relational blueprint that leads them to seek out future relationships that feel emotionally similar—ones where love and inconsistency go hand in hand,” Dr. Kelley says.

A serious example of this is dating someone they trauma bond with.

“Trauma bonding” is when someone unintentionally forms a strong attachment to a person—usually, an abusive person—who causes major highs and lows as a manipulation tactic. Essentially, they wait “for the repair that doesn’t come, believing that if they just try harder, they’ll finally be enough,” Dr. Kelley explains. “And that’s a setup for pain.”

It creates confusion and insecurity

As you may have seen, kids need reliability and structure, which isn’t what intermittent reinforcement provides. “Inconsistent responses from adults can lead to confusion about expectations and appropriate behavior,” Dr. Cohen explains.

If you’ve ever heard “But you bought me a toy last time!”, he says, you know what we’re talking about here.

In the case of withholding love (whether intentionally or unintentionally), it can cause a child to have poor self-esteem.

They learn to ignore their emotional needs

When kids worry that their emotions will be met with disdain, they may hold them in, which leaves them feeling less safe and secure. “It deeply impacts attachment,” Dr. Kelley says. “They begin to monitor the moods of the adults around them, unsure of what to expect, and adjust their behavior to try and stay connected—often at the cost of their own emotional needs.”

2 Things Psychologists Recommend Parents and Grandparents Do Instead

1. Use consistent, predictable reinforcement

Dr. Cohen advises responding the same way every time. This is especially important, he continues, when you’re trying to teach something new. For example, giving a child a sticker every time they use the toilet when you’re potty-training them, or praising a child every time they speak politely. “Consistency helps children learn clear cause-and-effect connections,” he explains.

He also encourages sticking to the limits you set, explaining, “This builds trust and teaches them emotional self-regulation.”

At the same time, keep in mind that you won’t be “perfect” at this (no parent is!) and that’s okay. When you feel overwhelmed, for example, make sure the child still knows they’re safe.

“Saying something like ‘I’m having a hard time, but I’m still here with you’ helps separate your emotional state from their worth,” Dr. Kelley says.

2. Don’t forget to repair as needed

When you snap, ignore your child or shut down, come back to it. Dr. Kelley encourages saying something like, “That wasn’t okay. You didn’t deserve that.”

“That kind of repair helps build resilience, not confusion,” she explains. “It teaches kids that relationships can survive conflict and that their feelings matter enough to be acknowledged.”