The Power of Radical Honesty
I was lounging in my friend’s living room and, regrettably, politics became the central talking point. The subject is hard to avoid these days as the world feels like it’s on fire. Two wars are raging (though one is on a ceasefire). A new president was just sworn in.
In this case, it was more a monologue than a discussion. First it was, his “abortion is murder rant” as he held up his Christian cross necklace. Then, it was about how the US caused the Russian Invasion of Ukraine. The entire spiel was out of character for him, and everything he said had me biting my tongue. My inner voice begged for someone to change the subject. His wife, reading the room correctly, put her hand on his shoulder and said, “Dinner is almost ready. Let’s get our plates!”
This isn’t a new position for me to be in. I’ve spent my life traveling the country, living in completely different regions and cultures as a military child. Humor was my great unifier, my means of staking a plot in a new social climate. If I could make people smile, I could make a friend. There was no consideration of people’s ideologies, and no holding of grudges over someone’s opposing virtue.
Adulthood heralded the arrival of a seriousness I’ve tried to tamper down. And despite that, I’ve often found myself nodding, smiling and ignoring my loathing for the words someone is saying. When all I needed to end the discomfort was open up. My silent agreement and desire for cohesion was taking a toll. It’s a common behavior and one that is actually a form of self-deceit, and misrepresentation of yourself.
We should care enough to be more honest. Per a study by psychologist, Dr. Victoria Dykstra, lying is correlated to decreased mental health and more negative-oriented friendships over time. Among other problems, it promotes negative thinking because we let annoying behaviors flourish, and resent the other person for not noticing their rudeness.
My moment of self-realization came while going out with a buddy, Ryan. He’s a lawyer, who scores high on disagreeableness — to say the least. He manages to get into an argument in every situation we are in. He will take every debate on every issue, like a shark attracted to shiny objects.
And, oddly, it was through him that I realized I’d become the opposite. I avoided sharing any opinion that might seem contrary. So I began a journey of extending my honesty, and it has made everything better.
Brad Blanton argued in his book, Radical Honesty, that telling the truth can surely have costs, including frayed relationships and social disapproval, but is still a worthy act, a filter that invites the right people and energy into your life.
The challenge is that, per a study by UMass researcher, Dr. Robert Feldman, most of us lie quite often in everyday conversation. The most common lies occur when we’re trying to be more likable and seem more competent. And the challenge is that lies are effective. They can garner sympathy, protect feelings, and avoid conflict.
Even white lies aren’t needed in many cases. I’ve noticed that people often conflate white lies with being kind, and telling hard truths with being mean.
One of my acquaintances, Jen, had a strong personality and was a handful. Often, she said the infamous line, “I’m going to be brutally honest with you.” In every case I’ve heard that phrase, what came next bordered on cruelty. The same occurs after, “No offense but.”
I’ve found that honesty without care does us no good. Even the hardest truths can be delivered in a humane way. It is entirely unsurprising that Jen has had trouble maintaining friendships with people.
The two buckets of lies
Psychologists group lies into two broad categories and both of them can hurt you:
- Lies to protect your reputation or feelings.
- Lies to protect someone else’s reputation or feelings.
I’ll give you an example. I was close with my college roommate, Pat. He was handsome, charismatic, and a star track athlete. However, he was going through your typical high-drama early 20s relationship. It was fueled by excessive partying and immaturity. Eventually, he was completely devastated to find out his girlfriend fooled around on him. Pat came to me, asking me for opinions and help on how to deal with the situation.
I felt terrible for him and by no means defended his girlfriend. In these situations, it seems like the friend always says, “You don’t need that girl! She’s terrible. You are amazing!”
But that wasn’t the truth here. Pat wasn’t taking accountability for his behavior in the relationship either. I told him that if he didn’t want to deal with things like this, he himself shouldn’t be fooling around on his girlfriend either (as he was), nor should he be getting so drunk and having volatile fights (which kept me up at night). He’d positioned himself as a victim when he was a key contributor to the chaos. Reciprocity is so central to relationships. How could he have expected anything less?
If I, and every friend he knew, just agreed with him and made him feel like the victim, how could he ever look inward and start changing himself? I would want people to be honest with me too in this situation.
To Pat’s credit — he was open to my feedback. He seemed legitimately rocked when I first hit him with the truth, but I could tell he was taking it in, because he respected my intentions. Thankfully, he’s grown up in the years since this happened. He’s a calm and loyal family man now.
How to live on the path of honesty
First, I’ve found that being truly honest with everyone mandates we be open to receiving honesty ourselves. And not only that, invite people to give that feedback.
Many writers don’t take this step with their work — which is shocking. I have constantly invited peers to review my writing and give it to me straight. It’s as the adage goes, “True friends stab you in the front.” It has helped me grow more than any praising comment ever will.
Second, structure honesty in a way that’s beneficial to the person involved, and has proper context. Resist the urge to flat out tell people they’re wrong or out of their mind for having an opinion. Invite them to think of it from a different perspective.
More broadly, research shows that feedback that is specific and actionable, and given with empathy in mind, can improve someone’s performance rather than cause them to shut down. In short, with honesty, style matters as much as substance.
The famed philosopher, Immanuel Kant, argued all lies are morally wrong, and that, “By a lie a human being throws away and, as it were, annihilates his dignity.”
Is Kant’s approach a bit too rigid? Perhaps. But, given the proliferation of lying by everyday people, he may well be on to something.
Have the audacity to tell the truth. If something or someone is bothering you, tell them. Be kind and be honest — with them, and yourself.
