How adult children can boost their mother’s happiness

Arthur Schopenhauer became one of the greatest thinkers of the 19th century. Arthur Schopenhauer became one of the greatest thinkers of the 19th century. And despite his genius and ability to wrestle down the most complex topics, he never figured out how to make his mother happy.

In 1813, just after a visit, Arthur’s mother Johanna wrote to him, “The door that you slammed so loudly yesterday after you had conducted yourself extremely improperly toward your mother closed forever between you and me.” It was after this final fight and letter thereafter that they never spoke again.

Both Arthur and Johanna were strong personalities and were known to be difficult. Their case highlights how an adult child can not only fail to bring happiness to their mother but instead anger and consternation.

I’d like to think most of you love and appreciate your mother as I do mine. I’m an unapologetic mama’s boy. For years, I’ve seen so much thought and content on how to make ourselves happier, but never anything on bringing more joy and contentment into our mother’s life.

Managing the stressors

“Make sure you don’t leave the resort,” mom said, hurriedly, “They might kidnap you!”

I was bound for Mexico in a few days and, per usual, mom’s protective instincts kicked in. She was going down a list of all the many things that could go wrong, working herself into a cortisol-fueled frenzy.

In Cancun, I saw an all-inclusive beach resort with piña coladas, unlimited good food, and naps on the beach. Mom saw me blindfolded in a hostage video, begging for help. She was being her on-brand, stress-motivated, hyper-maternal self.

Her over-protectiveness didn’t bother me or make me upset. I’m long used to it. Yet it highlights the profound impact we have on our mothers long after we leave the nest. With moms, it feels like there’s a little ping in their brain that is constantly going off and thinking of ways to worry about us. Which is why it’s worth communicating to help alleviate those fears.

Moms pay a dear price to get us to adulthood. Polls consistently show the difficulty of raising young children, with 35% of mothers saying the one thing they wanted in the coming new year was, “Some time alone.” The second highest request, which came in at 26%, was for a good night of sleep.

I know well that my mother paid a heavy price raising my sister and me. I only need to look through family photos, where I see the fatigue on her face. For all the years mothers spend worrying about us, we owe it to them to help them worry less. But it can’t happen if we only call once a month.

Dodging Arthur’s drama

One big step is to be financially independent if you can. Per a study by Dr. Ruben Van Gaalen, financial disputes are one of the most common sources of strife in families. I’ll confess that I’m still on my parent’s family cell phone plan. In my defense, I’m only 40 years old (this is sarcasm, but unfortunately, I am indeed 40). They insist on wanting to keep paying it. It’s the last tether of my financial umbilical cord.

Adult children are four times more likely to receive financial support from their parents than parents receiving financial support from them. Granted, much of this support is towards college-age and freshly graduated children who are just getting started. Yet the fact remains that it can be a source of tension.

Ask her how she’s doing

I feel silly suggesting something that feels so abundantly obvious. But, per research, reaching out and taking the mere time to ask how your mother is doing, offering to help, and checking in on her state of mind can work wonders for her happiness.

My girlfriend Laura has a monthly Zoom call with her parents but usually talks to her mother on the phone at least once a week. I can often hear her mother’s enthusiasm on the line when I walk past Laura at home.

My mother just had her knee replaced. The surgery was a long time coming, and I know mom was nervous about it, but it was code red and needed to happen. Her knee had gone bone on bone, so this was a chance to finally fix it. I made it a point to call later in the day after the surgery and every day for the next few days to check in. I know that these types of things go a long way with mom, and that she won’t feel alone in this procedure.

Take time to ask your mother about how things are going. This goes even beyond maternal relationships. I’m amazed by how many people I’ve spent time with who didn’t ask me one question about my life. I know it isn’t malicious, but it does come off as selfish at times. Focus on things important to your mother and that don’t involve you.

Take on an assumed burden

For the entirety of my life, I’ve been attending major holidays with either my family or my significant other’s. Two years ago, for the first time, we decided to host Thanksgiving at our house.

We finally had a house big enough to host people. And we wanted to take the lift off of Laura’s mother and do all the work ourselves. It went great. We broke from normal tradition, and cooked lobster instead of turkey (I hate turkey), and indulged a bunch of great foods that everyone loved.

Fortunately, I didn’t burn my house down. It was expensive, sure. But it’s well worth the investment. Laura’s mother still brings up the dinner and loves it. There’s this old, gendered assumption about housework and hosting being done by the mother that needs to go away. Hosting can help.

Express your love in your own way

Nobody can tell you how to love each other. Every family and parent-child relationship has its own dynamic.

My family, in particular, operates on humor. It’s our way of not only cutting loose from the day, but also keeping each other in check when need be. It keeps us grounded and prevents us from taking ourselves too seriously.

This is a photo I sent to mom on Mother’s Day that made her laugh (she approved me sharing it). It’s her and I, with my face duplicated on her face too:

Some mothers like the sentimental, corny things. Others are more casual. Whatever scores, the big points are the things to aim for. With my mom, anything that makes her laugh is a win.

As I look into the second half of my life, it isn’t looking like I’ll be having children. I’ve made a vow to be the best son I can be to my parents. I encourage you to do the same. I know many of you had and have mothers who carried a huge load to bring you through the turbulent waters of life.

Remember to call her. Consider hosting a holiday instead of expecting it out of her. And if you can, try to offload any financial burden, she still carries for you.

It’s hard to imagine anyone ever loving me the way my mother does. I try not to take it for granted. And for as long as I live, I’ll remind her that I love her and do my best to make her laugh.