The Art of Enjoying People with a Positive Affective Presence

Two elevator doors opened and I stepped inside, fighting off the urge to curl up on the ground and take a nap. It was another day as a freshman apology student, prone to sporadic partying and impulsivity, but occasionally turning in a decent paper in the nick of time.

I was bound for the 4th floor but on the second, the door opened and Professor Kaplan walked in. He was a portly man with a friendly face, wearing a grey coat, jeans, and glasses — the unofficial professor uniform in those days. I’d heard about him. He was one of the best professors in the country, a former Harvard lecturer our school lured in with a huge salary package.

As the door closed, I turned and said, “Greetings professor! I believe I am attending your lecture today.” Holding his stack of notebooks, he turned, smiled, and said, “My condolences.” And then he proceeded to give one of the best lectures I’ve ever attended. Which made his humility in that elevator so much more memorable and endearing.

Despite his esteemed career and gigawatt brain, he never came off as condescending, and made students feel welcome and open to ask questions. He won teacher of the year at the end of spring semester. Kaplan was like many you meet in life, who light up a room and are instantly well liked.

Researchers can measure components of your personality without examining you directly. They measure you by the impact you make on others, also called the emotional signature you leave. Those who make other people feel warm and welcome are referred to as having a “positive affective presence”, which is exactly what Dr. Kaplan had. But how do we achieve this? Is it inborn? Can it be developed?

“Don’t invite him please.”

One way to understand the positive affective presence, is to examine its antithesis. I saw an example in my 20s, when I threw raucous parties and was still highly social.

Before one party, a friend insisted that we didn’t invite this guy Gerard because he always became an angry volcano after having a few beers. We called him Mount Gerardino. But it wasn’t cute anymore. He’d spiral out and start shouting and try to fight people. He was the inverse of a positive affective personality, and viscerally displayed a concept called emotional contagion, where your mood and feelings spread over to other people.

Even dogs display it when they get sad after seeing their owner upset, or instantly ramping up after their owner jumps up and down with excitement. To develop your presence, always, always remember that your mood and emotions radiate outwards. They latch on to others. Having a vibe is truly a thing.

As with Dr. Kaplan, self-deprecating humor, done lightly, and framed in a positive way, is powerfully charismatic and helpful in making impressions. It appeals to people’s insecurities.

Use an open and natural body language that shows you aren’t threatened by someone. My former CEO, who was highly likeable and down to earth, was a master at this.

During conversations, he was laid back and attentive and made you feel like the only person in the room, rather than eight paygrades below him. Pretend you’re talking to family you haven’t seen in years and are happy to see again. Always be catching up.

The intrinsic nature of humans

As a social species, we invest inordinate amounts of thought and energy into being valued and accepted — which is by design and called the “gregarious instinct”. Everything from our careers, to our purchasing behavior, to the things we say and the emotions we feel (embarrassment, anger, love) are heavily influenced by our drive for group acceptance.

When you understand this, and act to help a person feel liked and accepted, notice how quickly the dynamic improves with them.

For me, this approach feels more authentic. I generally like most people — even though my face or mood might not show it. Manifesting and expressing that curiosity and caring for people makes life more cohesive and socializing more fun.

In the process of writing this article, I took a break to attend a social event with my partner. It was one of her work events and I had socializing on my mind, so I did an experiment. At the party, I periodically did a room check, and was utterly fascinated watching people’s presence on display. Some were closed off or anxious. Others were waving their hands around and smiling as they talked.

They had several people around them listening and having a blast. It felt like you could take the words away from these people, and their energy alone would still enthrall people.

The challenge with this approach

People live in a stable but fluctuating emotional state that is prone to blips each day. People with a strong affective presence are great at navigating those blips rather than embedding it in their mood. Which is my weakness.

Routinely, I’ll be having a good day and some negative memory that nobody else remembers will bubble up. I’ll lose myself in it and sour my mood. I have to snap myself out of it or risk becoming a wet blanket.

Dr. Hillary Elfenbein, of the University of Pennsylvania, said the key questions become: “Can you regulate yourself so those blips don’t infect other people?” And, “Can you smooth over the noise in your life so other people aren’t affected by it?”

One strategy is to switch away from the negative thought and think of three things you are grateful for. Or to focus on your surroundings and being present in the moment. Listen to the sound of cars passing and the feel of wind blowing. Engage other senses rather than letting the cerebral shadows overtake you. This is especially effective if you are in your car and en route to a party.

As a quick warning, this shouldn’t stray into letting every problem fester and boil up. My friend Cain went through a breakup with a girl he’d only been dating for one month. He had high hopes for their relationship and seemed quite deflated.

When I asked how he was doing, he said, “It’s fine. I’m giving myself three days to grieve over this. Then I’m moving on.” It was a great exercise in emotional intelligence, not bottling things up, and instead allowing that energy to course through him. It isn’t a coincidence that Cain is also one of the most charismatic, caring, and well-liked people I know.

The key things to remember

Having a positive affective presence isn’t about being popular. It’s about allowing your emotions to make other people feel good. Being liked is a secondary effect of being more selfless.

Channel your more positive self in a social setting. Resist the urge to criticize or shoot down other perspectives. Lead with your body language. Express curiosity and remember that your mood and emotions are highly contagious, even with strangers. We are a social species and most people just want to be accepted and understood. Avoid dominating and one-upping them as you talk, and instead have fun and self-deprecate in an easy going way.

It’s as a mentor once told me, “Master the art of enjoying people.”